The Schizophrenic in Me

Schiz, schizo, crazy or even psychopath are ways to describe someone diagnosed with Schizophrenia.

“Schizophrenia is a chronic and severe mental disorder that affects how a person thinks, feels, and behaves. People with schizophrenia may seem like they have lost touch with reality. Although schizophrenia is not as common as other mental disorders, the symptoms can be very disabling.”

Now, in this article I won’t be using the respective mental illness to it’s literal meaning and diagnosis. This is something I pondered upon time and time again, throughout my childhood and into my adolescence. Could I be borderline schiz? Sure, I might not be medically diagnosed with schizophrenia but sometimes my conscience is so vivid that it feels almost out of body. It drives my heart insane at times thinking of something that’s not really there and basically selling myself the idea of something absolutely outrageous. I would have conversations with myself containing more exchanges than with a friend in some occasions. I know some of you may say this is a pathological behaviour and I 100% agree. This leads me to believe if I had a friend like myself we would be able to constantly bounce ideas off each other. Which is what led me to this thought of the schizophrenic in me.

You see, a lot of times I can’t remember some of the thoughts or conversations I had with myself mainly because I haven’t spoken it aloud. It usually is all in my head therefore it isn’t tangible. Which is why I started blogging. To document down all these absurd thoughts I have that my gut feeling is simply, “amazing”. So that I should jot it down for my future self to look back upon.

I always think back about seven years to see where my mind took me in my life. Needless to say, I’m about to embark on the biggest years going into my mid twenties. Unlike when I was sixteen when I had no idea what was about to unfold in the next seven years. Today, I have an idea of where I wanna be in seven years. This has to be a good thing right? Even if it isn’t, it would be absolutely fascinating to look back in seven years at this very blog post and make another blog post telling the today me that I was able to do some things and how the things I’m hoping for right now either happened or didn’t happen.

I’m totally looking forward in attempting to achieve my goals so to be able to say, “Hey look you did it.” or “Hey look you didn’t get anywhere! Now wake up!” I don’t know.

Hey future self,

as of today you’re hoping for a specific career and lover. Let’s see if it happens. All to it bud. Love you.

2018 self

P.S. Today is your first day of College

The bad and the worse

It’s been a while huh. I haven’t written much lately and there’s no true rhyme or reason towards that. Lately, ideas in my head haven’t been where it usually is. Not one thought or idea have come up in which that I believed in enough to jot it down on the blog. There have been a lot of things happening in my life mentally. I worked a seasonal full-time job selling ornaments along with selling Nespresso machines on the weekends. So today, I want to talk about one huge topic that’s been reoccurring in my head. So as you guys all know the saying goes, “Confront your inner demons”. Let’s take a step back before we do the whole confronting part. Before your heart beats for another, it’s first and foremost beating for you. Are you able to see what’s in front of you protecting your heart? Is it your flesh and skin? Is it your mother and father before that flesh and skin? Best friend? Sometimes we’ll never truly know what someone or something is doing to show that they love us. That’s okay. So before you confront your inner demons you need to change that mindset. You obviously don’t like fighting or battling anything just like everyone else in the world. No one truly enjoys a fight or a battle. So why are you confronting and battling your demons? Try and look at your demons like an emotional younger sibling. That has a lot to learn in this vast universe. Let your sadness, anger, jealousy come out but acknowledge it. Embrace the fact you have those feelings. Try your best to understand that the reason you get those emotions to that level is because you care for something to that level. If you didn’t care then you wouldn’t get those feelings. The worst thing you can do is numb it via sleeping, substances, distractions cause you’re only prolonging the anxiety or depressive state that you’re in. Embrace it and understand that nothing else can hurt as much as this moment right now. If there was something that hurt more, well then you’re already on the right track. Keep at it, stay weak and remember who’s protecting your heart. If it’s yourself, invest in yourself 110% you can never run from who you are. So get to know yourself quicker so then you can double down on others that you love more efficiently and effectively.

 

Cheers,

Jacky

 

P.S. Happy New Year my bbs.