Tag Archives: awareness

This is how I learned that “home” is a mental place and not a physical one

Yeah I know I’m not the most successful. Yeah I’ve got people who would likely never speak to me again. Yeah I am resentful of my own mother. Yeah I get to this dark place time to time. I unknowingly isolated myself in highschool sending myself down a dark path. Only times I saw glimpses of light was when I stepped on my skateboard. This plank of 7 ply maple wood sometimes made out of bamboo screwed in with roller skate trucks. I’d marry it if I could. Here’s the catch though.. I can’t.

As you all know our snow shovelling season here in Markham/Toronto can last up to 6 dreadful months. Which almost makes you subconsciously emotional and excited that booty shorts season is finally here. You’d be more than happy to splurge a little more here and there as the season begins to pop. No, I’m not here to talk about our financial habits as we all *should* know our own (touchy touchy).

Ok, now that’s in your mind. Let’s get to it. What I’m talking about is that very first boyfriend/girlfriend. I think I now understand why there’s usually that feeling of one person hoping better for the other. For me personally, I never loved anything more than my dog, Jann. I met Jann when she was a puppy when I was 11-12 years old. She became my best friend and my reason to keep striving for a new day. Some of you might think, “didn’t you have friends from school?” To be quite frank. I changed schools 3 times in between grade 4-5. So I was always the new kid.

I would sit there and talk to Jann for hours after the times my mother would beat my ass. She just listened, looked at me and licked me almost like. “Dude it’s fine just let it out I’m here for you as long as you need me”. Til this day I remember the times I’d be crying in the basement on the couch and Jann would come running just to spend her time right beside me. She would not leave unless someone called for her or I left first. She’d always come back if someone called her away. Jann was truly my first burst of light in my life.

Then came a day where I had to let go of her due to my mother leaving the family and we couldn’t financially support her. We drove her to her new home spent some time there I had no idea what separation felt like. Then boom. 9pm. “Okay time to go boys” said my dad. I thought I was ready. Ready to let go of my best friend. I’m ready. The moment I was about to leave the front door, Jann was already at the door wagging her tail ready to go home. Little did she know this is gonna be her new home. The moment it clicked to me the fact that she was excited to go home and sleep just to see me the next day. Absolutely and utterly destroyed me. I couldn’t breathe, tears completely flooded my eyes, I was choking on my tongue, shaking, dizzy, threw up in my mouth and swallowed it, i thought I was gonna implode and my eyes rolling to the back of my head. All I could even think about is trying to breathe. Once I caught a breath and activated my windshield wipers just to see her fur all over the back seat of the car.

Darkness. That’s the one thing that I kept relating to in my life after that. We moved 3 times from grade 8 – 10. We were in government housing for a bit. I went to a different highschool than my graduating class. Hell of highschool for a broken preteen came into action full fledged. I had no idea what was happening. Who I was about to meet and what was about to happen. I didn’t care. I resented everything from my dad, brother, step mom, new house and new school. I tried so hard to convince my dad to transfer me to Markville Secondary School. He said no. I even said my grades would go up. Yeah, I went there.

More darkness. Every social group I tried to be a part of either 1. Didn’t accept me. 2. I didn’t accept them. My teachers teach me one thing while my dad teaches me something else. When I try to apply what I learned from either it almost felt like it never fits in. I felt like I never fit in anywhere. I remember so clearly trying to go to sleep on a Monday night nice and early cause I had badminton practice in the morning. I broke and started crying while whisper shouting, “I WANNA DIE I WANNA DIE I WANNA DIE” then fades into a devastating sob. I cried and cried and cried for 2 hours. At around 3 am I was hiccuping after crying with little bursts still coming through. 5am rolled around and I said to myself. If at 18 years old I still feel like this I’m gonna do it.

Grade 10.5 – 12 (2010-2012) I started skateboarding with a couple people I actually considered my friend, Samuel and Jason. New light. Here was when I fell in love with something more than myself. Skateboarding. Everytime I learned a new trick Sam would be so hyped and wanted to learn it too or vice versa. Jason would try and when he finally started to get the tricks we been trying I felt so happy and excited. After a couple months we parted ways and I stuck with it. I went to the skatepark behind Markville mall once a week and met a couple people there. The more I went the closer we got and ultimately forming our skate crew. Every single Thursday Friday after school was the days I looked most forward for. When it rained out I got so bummed I didn’t know what to do. So I guess you can say that I found a home. A home that we all just came to week after week. Quick shoutouts to Caleb, Ablah, Vincent, Dean, Josh, Jason, Dainel and a couple other key people who have since blocked or removed me. I’ll get to that in a bit. (I originally posted this on Facebook)

I skipped school to skate. Day after day I’d skip. I failed every course and some teachers would pass me cause I begged them to. I didn’t feel like anywhere was home but the skatepark. Everytime I landed a new trick all the homies would be hyped. Everytime I showed up they skate over to greet me. If that’s not the definition of home I don’t know what is. I never wanted to leave but of course everyone has to “go home”.

Time skip. 2013 Feb I get kicked out from home cause I literally sat around and did nothing. Dad got fed up with me always eating all the food and fighting with him every single time we see each other. I wouldn’t even look him in the eye.

Time skip. 2014 April I went homeless. Got fired from 3 jobs.

2014 November “officially” met a girl. Also while starting 2 new jobs. (Roots & Ten Ren’s)

I’ve seen her around at church and from the numerous times I’d walk around the mall I’d see her working. Low-key thought she was the most beautiful being on this planet.

Burst of light. We dated 2.5 years (2014-2017).

So why is this significant enough that I am willingly risking her reading this post on my news feed?

Here’s the catch. Now looking back into my life being 23 turning 24 in November. I realize that my whole life has been in darkness and I would say less than 10% of my 24 years has been me resenting something or someone. I discovered my love for something greater than myself which is skateboarding. I’ve always dreamed about having a girlfriend up until that day when it happened. Picture yourself in a pitch black room for 20 years with splurges of light piercing through from time to time. Then at the darkest moment in your solitude. Light fills your closed eyes seeing pink as you try to open your eyes you can barely see. Everything is over exposed. You struggle to see what was happening and when you finally realized what has happened. You lose yourself and your breath and everything along with it. You think, I lived 20 years in darkness for this one moment. I need to enjoy it for as long as this lasts cause it’s not gonna last forever…

Boom. My downfall. “Cause it’s not gonna last forever”. I went into that relationship with a self-fulfilled mindset of that it’s not gonna last forever. I was so preconceived from my history that nothing good lasts that I just enjoy the good rather than reciprocate and try hard to multiply the good. What happened? I became content with everything. I got my sense of home through her. I got my support through her. Experienced sex for the first time with her. I used to tell people I was so good and so experienced with sex yet I was watching porn every day with my dick in my hand. If my dick wasn’t numb I’d be beating it. LMAO

Yeah so I ended up not doing anything with my life cause this is literally the happiest time of my life I guess. I literally didn’t feel the need to want more or need more. To know she exists by my side every day was good enough of a reason for me to settle with whatever I had.

Inevitably, she left. (2017)

Put me in a fuckin swirl. That feeling of solitude slammed me shut. I heard the chains clash against the outer shell of this solitary confinement box or whatever u wanna call it. Heard the padlock snap shut and key tossed away faintly hearing it clank against the floor. Lashed out at my friends (hence a bunch of them I consider brother’s unfriended/blocked me) I became toxic, a cancer cell of a person. I quit my job after 2 weeks cause I was mentally distraught. Knowing full well I’m going homeless in less than a month without the job. I reached out to my best friend Oscar. (October-December 2017) Told him what was happening and what I’ve decided to do. He, having the heart he does helped me out a second time during homelessness and housed my piece of shit ass. First time he grew a full fledged hate for me but he still took it on. Fucking talk about love.

Light. I hear footsteps. Someone’s coming, a violent wrangle of the chains and POP. The sound of the chains hitting the floor followed by bright light. I look up and it’s my best friend. What the fuck. I was ready to die alone. Here he comes and snips open that padlock and says, “this isn’t where you belong. Come out when you’re ready.”

2018 June 28 (Today)

I’ve since started school for video production and design. People who follow me on Instagram or read my long form posts will know. I’ve been in my own head trying to find rhymes and reasons for why I am who I am today. I’m trying to understand why or how I get frustrated/upset/jealous/envious/lustful/depressive. I cut a majority of my connections in terms of friends and family. I moved away from Markham which helped me get my head on straight.

I saw my dad on Father’s day. He said one thing I’ll never forget for the rest of my life.

“You look happy. Been a long time since I’ve seen you this happy. Your face just resonates that you’re happy” (pretty sure he was referring to when we used to play hide and seek as toddlers)

I told him, “Really? Wow I hope so! I’m so damn excited for the next year. If what I envisioned for my next year rolls out like how this year is going for me. I’m gonna have another amazing year”

So yeah. I now know that the basic human need for a home or acceptance is the single thing that pushes them to greatness. I will be the best person I can possibly be to hopefully influence just one other person to really believe and influence another. I’ve discovered what kind of legacy I wanna leave behind. Let’s carry it out.

I got lucky to be Irrelevant in high school

If we played with Fisherprice toys in our childhood we most likely have been to the evilest place on the planet, high school. This vile place for many is often caused by the social hierarchy involved. Personally, within this social ladder, I consider myself as the floater. The one who goes around to every group trying to fit in and be a part of something. Tried that for about two years and discovered that I can never commit to one group. Mainly due to the people within it which I can not bare or vice versa. I became aware that I disliked being surrounded by people who act differently when I’m alone with them versus while in the group.

I gradually became a solo act, started by skateboarding with a couple other people. Which they over time, fell out of it but I kept pushing along. I quickly discovered that I was beginning to learn the words, extroverted and introverted so I googled it. According to my research, I felt like I was extroverted at the same time introverted, I discovered that I resonate with being ambiverted.

Of course, I did not know how to interpret this at 16 years old. Being a guy, on average I have not been in the social realm for as long as girls have. I mean, during recess in grade school, I played with worms and sports while girls messed with each other’s minds and emotions. My thoughts were always very short termed and temporary. I became angry at the world for not accepting me. Fast forward six years, today along with the main point of this post is this.

Every single Facebook status I make, every tweet, every Instagram post has a new perspective that caught my attention. The people who bothered to click “Like” MEANT to click “Like”. I do not get any “pity” likes just because people want to impress me. Of course, it is daunting at times, but to know that the friends who were always trying to impress others get quantity likes due to others wanting to “maintain” a good connection. I don’t have to second guess my audience and waste my time asking myself if people ACTUALLY like my content. I can push out what I love and not even think twice. This is all thanks to my irrelevance in high school to be able to fear less.

To wrap this up, if I were to give myself advice from when I was going into high school it would be this:

Start skateboarding now so you become independent sooner due to the drive when you fill your head full of passion vs lack of passion. Make your mistakes now and make them grande. It’ll hurt less when you don’t understand it at the same time it’ll help you have major key epiphanies as you grow up. Succeeding 7/14 is better than 2/2. You succeeded 5 more times than 2/2. You also get feedback in those 7 times you’ve failed either from your own understanding or from others. As for the 2/2, when you fail you will feel hopeless since you are inexperienced in failing. Notice how I’m not swearing? Yeah, that is because when you do. It’ll be that much more fucking impactful, Jacky.


I want to take this time to thank you all for reading this post! It means a lot you guys consumed this, to begin with. Feel free to click around to view more of my brain’s ponderous moments. If you believe it is worth it, throw me a “Like” or a comment so I know you enjoy what I’m putting out!

Nicety brought despair in my life

During my childhood, I was always taught to “treat others how you would want to be treated”. Logically, this idea sounds amazing and a fantastic way to connect with each and every person. Of course, on the other hand, we have our delinquents, who do not abide by those words and commit sinister actions towards another. The time spent trying to treat others the way we would like to be treated becomes a part of us. The ones who truly believe in it and want nothing else but for someone else to be okay with them. I wanted to be known as a good person, nice, to stay out of trouble and to not draw negative attention to myself. I believe many people can resonate with me on this one. I have become the type of person to give and never expect anything back. The kind of mentality which is often known, “as long as you are happy I will be happy”.

So I have never thought about this before today. This idea of living life as a compensator in hopes everyone could have a better day. This idea of being so consumed into enabling others to feel a positive emotion even if it is not something in my very own interest to invest in. Sometimes even for people, I do not necessarily feel satisfying going out of my way for. I have recently learned about The Pareto principle:

The Pareto principle
(also known as the 80/20 rule, the law of the vital few, or the principle of factor sparsity) states that, for many events, roughly 80% of the effects come from 20% of the causes.

As this principle by Joseph M. Juran suggests, about 20% of the people in my life is 80% of your memorable experiences when I hang out with them. Whether that be the best moment of your life or the worst. So when I reflected back onto my significant experiences in my life, it is mostly true. The times I am hanging out with a big group of people there usually are that significant few who stand out and set the tone for the entire event.

So why did it bring despair into my life? After pondering for a long time, I’d like to believe it is because I disregarded myself so much to the point where I monotonically agree to obligations without first evaluating my own value. I just believe that if I am able to help then I will help. I have learned since to make sure I know what I am getting myself into before committing to something I may not enjoy. I began to emotionally bid when times were tough in my life. Not understanding why someone would be so willing to accept my help but when I ask for help no one is there to care. Filled with so much anger and negativity but nowhere to vent my over pressurized tank. I have since learned to cut out the people in my life who were not contributing to my well-being. I found myself to be obligated to help others when I am the one who needs help. Then it cycles back around thinking, “it will be different this time”. It will never turn around because I am too focused on others rather than myself. My friends will not even know where to start to help me since I am not focused on helping myself. “It starts with number one” as one of my friends said, “number one being you.”


Why do we fear talking about the things that make us Vulnerable?

Many people talk about their start-up successes from dying to flying. Not enough people talk about their mental success from crying to trying. From what I’ve been through in my life during tragedies, I learned some valuable lessons. No one cares about me. They all have their own lives as complex and vivid as our own. The unofficial word for this I believe is Sonder. Click the word to watch a magical video story on it.

So here I am pondering every single day stuck with my brain churning emotions and thoughts. One question that is reoccurring in my mind is, “How can I get others to care?” One conclusion I have come up over the years is, if am able to connect with others and show value to them, then maybe they would care. To speak out my testimony, not for pity but to show my growth and possibly attempt to inspire a drive within them to WANT to TRY. Often times that is the underlying issue, where someone feels like it is not WORTH trying to begin with. I don’t care for your possessions or your assets. What I care is for your well-being.

Mind you, chasing happiness is no different than chasing money. They are both very earthly bound matters. Think about it. Only on this planet earth, you can feel the emotion of “happiness”. Also, the same place where you find money. So if chasing happiness or money is both toxic. What is something we should strive to achieve? I believe having sought after happiness after my parents’ divorce, I always inevitably feel a low no matter how happy I became. Thus, I don’t believe there is one true happiness. To be happy for the rest of my life is just not realistic. I’ve come to realize that I just have to be able to be there for someone even if it is myself. When the worse comes to worst or the good becomes great. So if I want to leave a legacy behind I have to put myself in a position where I can handle anything life throws at me. By being able to “handle it”, I mean to really be able to keep your own morals and judgment at the same humbled manner no matter how rich or poor you are, emotionally or financially.

I love people. I love what the world has to offer because it is a true test of what someone is able to do to become world class. But in the very end, a casket is a casket. Whether wood, metal or marble. Blood is blood whether A, B or O. You are on this earth. This earth is accepting. Just reach out and make something of it. The world won’t care if you don’t care. If you care about yourself and your own mental well-being. Make that known. Others will be right there to support you. STAY WEAK.

“STAY STRONG” the phrase that sets you up for failure

If you have ever been told these two words, “Stay Strong”. They are setting you up for failure. Through the years of trying to understand my own demise, I learned a few things. Every single time I was told to stay strong I did not know how to process that in my head. I have never believed I was ever “strong”. So the question becomes, how can I STAY strong if I’ve never even felt strong to begin with? This leads to another question I started asking myself, “How can I connect with people who feel worthless inside?” Personally, every single time I hear the phrase “Stay Strong” I almost immediately block it out and classify the other person as they have nothing better to contribute. No matter how much they might have meant it.

So I started practicing staying weak. I told people about all the struggles I am going through and how I am actively trying to get out of it. I tell people my plan and goals no matter how small it might have been. The one reoccurring pattern I found is people trust me a lot more. People are willing to open up about their own struggles to me as if we are in it together. I believe once we are able to accept the fact that we are weak and give a voice to our weakness. We can bind together as one strong unit and conquer anything that comes into our path. What is something you believe to be a great achievement? To make something of what you’re passionate about right? If you are passionate about defeating depression or anxiety, take down those walls and give a voice to it. Let yourself speak out and listen to what others have to say. The people who say things you dislike, move on from them. The people who tell you that you can’t tell them that they’re right. Because what you can’t is being associated with them. People who are weak stay together and fight together with no judgment. People who are weak bind together with a cause bigger than the human connection. This is what makes it Magical.

Let those people who are trying to restrict you say what they want. People who try to restrict you are the people who ARE restricted. Release yourself from these kinds of people and seek the people whom are self-seeking. Seek the people who care but do not rely on them. Rely on yourself. Give yourself the voice you so desperately need. If you feel like you’re going to turn all your friends away let that be. You will only attract people who will love you for you. These are the things I’ve tried in my past until today and I only make these posts because I have discovered something that is reoccurring positivity.

If you can take public transit then you can create content

Taking the bus every single day is no easy task. Many stresses come along with taking the bus. The amount of time required from planning to waiting. The wait time for each bus varies and could drastically change your arrival time if you miss a transfer due to a two-minute delay. So the idea here today is about taking the right bus at the right time to reach the destination in a given time-frame.

Opportunities in life are very similar. You ready yourself every single day standing at the bus stop you planned on standing at, to take that bus you planned on taking. If your destination has a time-frame to reach, you better get your plan together and make sure you make each bus transfer with little to no hiccups. When the bus has delays out of your control, trust your gut and have patience. If you have a destination in mind with little to no urgency, do your research and plan your route on which bus to take FIRST. Don’t worry about the last bus or the delays or the transfers. You haven’t even figured out step one. Do not overwhelm yourself with things that are not worth your energy and time at that very moment in the position you’re in. Sometimes, some bus stops have more than just one bus headed in the same direction. This is something you will not know unless you are looking for it.

Of course, there are the people like myself who will tell you to fail fail and fail because it will serve as your greatest lessons in life. If you plan your route to a destination in person. It only makes more sense to plan your life’s destination the same way. One bus stop at a time. The right bus will come and you’re ready to get there. If you get lost you may ask someone to reaffirm your route. Sometimes there might be construction or detours. All in all, you were ready for this trip and ready for the destination.

You’re a WHORE.

    If I could stutter in text, that is the one thing I did not do. You read it right the first time and probably still reading this cause you clicked through to here. Before you speak out, telling me how wrong I am calling others “Whores” let me explain. In our society especially being birthed in the infamous generation, Millennials. We are enslaved to many things in our established society, which we find hard to understand. Here is the definition of the word “Whore” in the context I will be using:

noun derogatory
noun: whore; plural noun: whores
     a prostitute.
     a promiscuous woman.
     debase oneself by doing something for unworthy motives, 
     typically to make money gain likes.
         "he had never whored after money likes"

    You ask yourself, in the concept of prostitution, media would usually suggest there is a manager known as pimps managing these prostitutes. So let us deconstruct the social concept at the surface level of prostitution. First, you have an idea on how you can attract a significant amount of attention by debasing yourself. Next, you find your clients who are willing to partake in the service you are offering. You report your status to your manager for them to give you your cut of the payout. Repeat. Sure, you’re thinking that we all know this so what was the point in me pointing this out? Well, I wanted to put us on the same page to the basic process of “whoring”. We all know at this day in age, context is everything. Famous YouTuber known as, “pewdiepie” has made this abundantly clear after being dropped by Disney for his “antisemitic” behaviour.

    Now that we all are on the same page, let us address the title I used for this blog post. Whether or not this applies to you, we all at the very least know someone this applies to. Social media giants have come up with a system which symbolizes a currency known as a “Like”. Someone who has more “Likes” is more LIKABLE than someone who has less “Likes” on a post. As straightforward as this may be, we find ourselves with trends such as, “Do it for the Vine”, “Do it for the Gram” and so on and so forth. This is where my mind turned to churn out the title of my post, “You’re a WHORE.” Yes with a period. I say that with no digression because I believe that many people do insane things truly strips and DEBASE the meaning of being a wholesome person. For example, people who claim to be “entrepreneurs” for modeling their bodies with no passion on Instagram. The exact promise they made to themselves that it is something they would never do when they were thirteen years old. The people who could not handle the work they have to put behind their ideas and come to a conclusion that this is an “easier way out”. That exact friend of yours that tossed a drink back into a McDonald’s drive-through window and yelled, “FOR THE VIEWS!”. You debase your own morals and beliefs you grew up on and probably will grow away from, just for temporary attention.

    So let us sit down and think about it, what can we do that makes us less of a whore but at the same time have the impact as, “Throwing a McDonald’s cup back into a drive-through window”? One thing that I’ve learned from whoring myself to doing things that I dislike for attention only grew negativity and the loss of creativity in my life. I didn’t have passion in what I was doing therefore, I was losing my vision. Now that I understand what I want to do in my life I have a grander vision than ever. Now it is about the deconstruction of my ultimate goal to set little goals for my each and every day to aim for. If I am able to achieve one thing a day, three hundred sixty-five days a year no matter how significant. It is still one thing achieved a day. That would be 365 things a year. Hell, if you feel slightly extra motivated one out of the days of the week you’d have yourself 417 things a year.