Tag Archives: forward thinking

This is how I learned that “home” is a mental place and not a physical one

Yeah I know I’m not the most successful. Yeah I’ve got people who would likely never speak to me again. Yeah I am resentful of my own mother. Yeah I get to this dark place time to time. I unknowingly isolated myself in highschool sending myself down a dark path. Only times I saw glimpses of light was when I stepped on my skateboard. This plank of 7 ply maple wood sometimes made out of bamboo screwed in with roller skate trucks. I’d marry it if I could. Here’s the catch though.. I can’t.

As you all know our snow shovelling season here in Markham/Toronto can last up to 6 dreadful months. Which almost makes you subconsciously emotional and excited that booty shorts season is finally here. You’d be more than happy to splurge a little more here and there as the season begins to pop. No, I’m not here to talk about our financial habits as we all *should* know our own (touchy touchy).

Ok, now that’s in your mind. Let’s get to it. What I’m talking about is that very first boyfriend/girlfriend. I think I now understand why there’s usually that feeling of one person hoping better for the other. For me personally, I never loved anything more than my dog, Jann. I met Jann when she was a puppy when I was 11-12 years old. She became my best friend and my reason to keep striving for a new day. Some of you might think, “didn’t you have friends from school?” To be quite frank. I changed schools 3 times in between grade 4-5. So I was always the new kid.

I would sit there and talk to Jann for hours after the times my mother would beat my ass. She just listened, looked at me and licked me almost like. “Dude it’s fine just let it out I’m here for you as long as you need me”. Til this day I remember the times I’d be crying in the basement on the couch and Jann would come running just to spend her time right beside me. She would not leave unless someone called for her or I left first. She’d always come back if someone called her away. Jann was truly my first burst of light in my life.

Then came a day where I had to let go of her due to my mother leaving the family and we couldn’t financially support her. We drove her to her new home spent some time there I had no idea what separation felt like. Then boom. 9pm. “Okay time to go boys” said my dad. I thought I was ready. Ready to let go of my best friend. I’m ready. The moment I was about to leave the front door, Jann was already at the door wagging her tail ready to go home. Little did she know this is gonna be her new home. The moment it clicked to me the fact that she was excited to go home and sleep just to see me the next day. Absolutely and utterly destroyed me. I couldn’t breathe, tears completely flooded my eyes, I was choking on my tongue, shaking, dizzy, threw up in my mouth and swallowed it, i thought I was gonna implode and my eyes rolling to the back of my head. All I could even think about is trying to breathe. Once I caught a breath and activated my windshield wipers just to see her fur all over the back seat of the car.

Darkness. That’s the one thing that I kept relating to in my life after that. We moved 3 times from grade 8 – 10. We were in government housing for a bit. I went to a different highschool than my graduating class. Hell of highschool for a broken preteen came into action full fledged. I had no idea what was happening. Who I was about to meet and what was about to happen. I didn’t care. I resented everything from my dad, brother, step mom, new house and new school. I tried so hard to convince my dad to transfer me to Markville Secondary School. He said no. I even said my grades would go up. Yeah, I went there.

More darkness. Every social group I tried to be a part of either 1. Didn’t accept me. 2. I didn’t accept them. My teachers teach me one thing while my dad teaches me something else. When I try to apply what I learned from either it almost felt like it never fits in. I felt like I never fit in anywhere. I remember so clearly trying to go to sleep on a Monday night nice and early cause I had badminton practice in the morning. I broke and started crying while whisper shouting, “I WANNA DIE I WANNA DIE I WANNA DIE” then fades into a devastating sob. I cried and cried and cried for 2 hours. At around 3 am I was hiccuping after crying with little bursts still coming through. 5am rolled around and I said to myself. If at 18 years old I still feel like this I’m gonna do it.

Grade 10.5 – 12 (2010-2012) I started skateboarding with a couple people I actually considered my friend, Samuel and Jason. New light. Here was when I fell in love with something more than myself. Skateboarding. Everytime I learned a new trick Sam would be so hyped and wanted to learn it too or vice versa. Jason would try and when he finally started to get the tricks we been trying I felt so happy and excited. After a couple months we parted ways and I stuck with it. I went to the skatepark behind Markville mall once a week and met a couple people there. The more I went the closer we got and ultimately forming our skate crew. Every single Thursday Friday after school was the days I looked most forward for. When it rained out I got so bummed I didn’t know what to do. So I guess you can say that I found a home. A home that we all just came to week after week. Quick shoutouts to Caleb, Ablah, Vincent, Dean, Josh, Jason, Dainel and a couple other key people who have since blocked or removed me. I’ll get to that in a bit. (I originally posted this on Facebook)

I skipped school to skate. Day after day I’d skip. I failed every course and some teachers would pass me cause I begged them to. I didn’t feel like anywhere was home but the skatepark. Everytime I landed a new trick all the homies would be hyped. Everytime I showed up they skate over to greet me. If that’s not the definition of home I don’t know what is. I never wanted to leave but of course everyone has to “go home”.

Time skip. 2013 Feb I get kicked out from home cause I literally sat around and did nothing. Dad got fed up with me always eating all the food and fighting with him every single time we see each other. I wouldn’t even look him in the eye.

Time skip. 2014 April I went homeless. Got fired from 3 jobs.

2014 November “officially” met a girl. Also while starting 2 new jobs. (Roots & Ten Ren’s)

I’ve seen her around at church and from the numerous times I’d walk around the mall I’d see her working. Low-key thought she was the most beautiful being on this planet.

Burst of light. We dated 2.5 years (2014-2017).

So why is this significant enough that I am willingly risking her reading this post on my news feed?

Here’s the catch. Now looking back into my life being 23 turning 24 in November. I realize that my whole life has been in darkness and I would say less than 10% of my 24 years has been me resenting something or someone. I discovered my love for something greater than myself which is skateboarding. I’ve always dreamed about having a girlfriend up until that day when it happened. Picture yourself in a pitch black room for 20 years with splurges of light piercing through from time to time. Then at the darkest moment in your solitude. Light fills your closed eyes seeing pink as you try to open your eyes you can barely see. Everything is over exposed. You struggle to see what was happening and when you finally realized what has happened. You lose yourself and your breath and everything along with it. You think, I lived 20 years in darkness for this one moment. I need to enjoy it for as long as this lasts cause it’s not gonna last forever…

Boom. My downfall. “Cause it’s not gonna last forever”. I went into that relationship with a self-fulfilled mindset of that it’s not gonna last forever. I was so preconceived from my history that nothing good lasts that I just enjoy the good rather than reciprocate and try hard to multiply the good. What happened? I became content with everything. I got my sense of home through her. I got my support through her. Experienced sex for the first time with her. I used to tell people I was so good and so experienced with sex yet I was watching porn every day with my dick in my hand. If my dick wasn’t numb I’d be beating it. LMAO

Yeah so I ended up not doing anything with my life cause this is literally the happiest time of my life I guess. I literally didn’t feel the need to want more or need more. To know she exists by my side every day was good enough of a reason for me to settle with whatever I had.

Inevitably, she left. (2017)

Put me in a fuckin swirl. That feeling of solitude slammed me shut. I heard the chains clash against the outer shell of this solitary confinement box or whatever u wanna call it. Heard the padlock snap shut and key tossed away faintly hearing it clank against the floor. Lashed out at my friends (hence a bunch of them I consider brother’s unfriended/blocked me) I became toxic, a cancer cell of a person. I quit my job after 2 weeks cause I was mentally distraught. Knowing full well I’m going homeless in less than a month without the job. I reached out to my best friend Oscar. (October-December 2017) Told him what was happening and what I’ve decided to do. He, having the heart he does helped me out a second time during homelessness and housed my piece of shit ass. First time he grew a full fledged hate for me but he still took it on. Fucking talk about love.

Light. I hear footsteps. Someone’s coming, a violent wrangle of the chains and POP. The sound of the chains hitting the floor followed by bright light. I look up and it’s my best friend. What the fuck. I was ready to die alone. Here he comes and snips open that padlock and says, “this isn’t where you belong. Come out when you’re ready.”

2018 June 28 (Today)

I’ve since started school for video production and design. People who follow me on Instagram or read my long form posts will know. I’ve been in my own head trying to find rhymes and reasons for why I am who I am today. I’m trying to understand why or how I get frustrated/upset/jealous/envious/lustful/depressive. I cut a majority of my connections in terms of friends and family. I moved away from Markham which helped me get my head on straight.

I saw my dad on Father’s day. He said one thing I’ll never forget for the rest of my life.

“You look happy. Been a long time since I’ve seen you this happy. Your face just resonates that you’re happy” (pretty sure he was referring to when we used to play hide and seek as toddlers)

I told him, “Really? Wow I hope so! I’m so damn excited for the next year. If what I envisioned for my next year rolls out like how this year is going for me. I’m gonna have another amazing year”

So yeah. I now know that the basic human need for a home or acceptance is the single thing that pushes them to greatness. I will be the best person I can possibly be to hopefully influence just one other person to really believe and influence another. I’ve discovered what kind of legacy I wanna leave behind. Let’s carry it out.

How a single app made me fall in love again

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Turquoise header, pastel orange profile icon with my name written in it’s full legal form, followed below by another turquoise sub-header with the words written:

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Followed by:

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The visual sight of these words on this app is making my pupils dilate, breaths shorten, heart racing, stuffed with butterflies and palms sweating. No.. no “Mom’s spaghetti” just yet, even though the feeling was overwhelming. Do these feelings sound familiar to you at all? Yeah, I’m recognizing that all these feelings I’ve once felt before in my life. This crazy embodiment of infatuation for a very ambitious “want” for my future. Respectively, this feeling may be the case for many of you, this feeling occurs most often when you meet that special somebody in which you can see no faults. Something or someone who you believe can love forever. In my case, this time it is something rather than someone. This story of that “someone”, I will save for next time.

I want you to take a look at this screenshot:

Days that I will never get back

Notice anything? These numbers in this screenshot represent something anyone can recognize. The first visual I tried to elicit in the beginning of this blog post, I had encountered an enormous gut-wrenching feeling of serotonin coursing through my veins to the point that I felt anxious. Excited, but anxious. You have probably already guessed what the numbers might represent. You are probably very precarious for the first number. The number, “5”.

This number five equates to years I value as the most important of my life.
This number five represents me in its entirety
This number five demonstrates the things I can achieve in my life
This number five helps me recognize all my inefficiencies
This number five helps me keep moving when future failures occur

 

You’ve probably guessed it by now, and if you haven’t yet. Not only does this number five represent a number of years I have been through but also THE number of years I have felt like I’ve wasted. That same old feeling of “regret” partnered with the big old SIGH. This is often known as Anxiety. The feeling that is often undertaken by your own denial. That exact feeling you had going into every test or quiz you weren’t ready for. That DEEP breath you can’t seem to suppress due to a “moment of stress” a.k.a. Anxiety. Sometimes it happens with almost no context. It just overwhelms you and takes you for a spin with what it feels like a black hole inside of your body. With every breath you take, being tenser each time. The important take away that I got from having deep-rooted Anxiety is to really acknowledge the fact that it’s present, not past or future, but present. When I’m ready for it, I feel like I am more prepared to accept it as it happens and am able to re-zone myself. Just like when an experienced soccer player would be able to predict the next move. To be able to transcribe that ability into your own mind so you can only benefit from it.

Here’s another metaphor cause I’m in love with metaphors:

Someone who’s never done a backflip or frontflip will never know how until they have experienced through trial and error. To be able to confidently jump knowing what will happen next knowing there is a risk. The reward? Well, pretty evidently landing that back or front flip is the most satisfying feeling (As seen on YouTube). So what is your mental frontflip that you’re afraid of? It’s okay to wipe out and fall flat-out. The most effective way to learn it is to try it for yourself. Some people find it easier than others. For me, it took five years to really figure out that I’m in a pretty shitty situation in my life. For you, it may take longer or shorter. Don’t compare yourself to me or anyone else. This is your frontflip to learn. I used frontflip because I’m trying to plant a subconscious idea in your head for forward thinking. See what I did there? 😉

**By no means is this the exact same for everyone. I am trying to articulate how I feel and hopefully help some of you out there discover or raise a few questions for yourself to see if this is true for you.

Today was an intense emotional ride for myself in particular. The moment I saw the hours I spent in the past 5 years I realized how much time I could have used for my future. Instead, I’ve collectively spent AT LEAST 10% of those hours in video games. Yeah.. 43,800 hours and I spend a nice minimum of 4380 hours in video games. If I spent even a quarter of that time (1095 hours) in trying to manage my life better. I could have been in a better place. To wrap things up here’s a quote from Drake,

“Better late than never but never late is better”

Yes, it is indeed cliché, but don’t block yourself from these clichés as they may be the most important lessons of life to learn from. They have become notoriously cliché for a reason.

Unfortunately, we have come to a conclusion and bringing this blog post to a close. I will end it with explaining why I feel like I’ve fallen in love again. I feel like there’s hope, I actually applied to Video Design and Production as the last choice. Little did I know when I got accepted into it I felt like it should have been my first and only choice. Weird right. I am literally shaking with anticipation and excitement for what this next year has to bring, just like that moment when that special someone says yes to you. Just like that moment when that special someone asks you out. No words can explain it, just sheer joy. The next step is to discover what it’s all about and see if you want to stay in it for life. I never thought life could be like this but right now, it’s looking bright! They say that there’s a silver lining on every cloud. Man did this past cloud feel like it was longest and darkest one ever. I’m so happy I can see the horizon clearing up for a brighter tomorrow.

Anywho, I won’t keep you. Too-da-loo! I hope to hear from you guys to see what questions you might have for me. I hope you guys have an amazing day and subscribe to my blog if you haven’t already! I promise it’ll be worth your while. At least I’ll try my very hardest haha.