Tag Archives: personal

This is how I learned that “home” is a mental place and not a physical one

Yeah I know I’m not the most successful. Yeah I’ve got people who would likely never speak to me again. Yeah I am resentful of my own mother. Yeah I get to this dark place time to time. I unknowingly isolated myself in highschool sending myself down a dark path. Only times I saw glimpses of light was when I stepped on my skateboard. This plank of 7 ply maple wood sometimes made out of bamboo screwed in with roller skate trucks. I’d marry it if I could. Here’s the catch though.. I can’t.

As you all know our snow shovelling season here in Markham/Toronto can last up to 6 dreadful months. Which almost makes you subconsciously emotional and excited that booty shorts season is finally here. You’d be more than happy to splurge a little more here and there as the season begins to pop. No, I’m not here to talk about our financial habits as we all *should* know our own (touchy touchy).

Ok, now that’s in your mind. Let’s get to it. What I’m talking about is that very first boyfriend/girlfriend. I think I now understand why there’s usually that feeling of one person hoping better for the other. For me personally, I never loved anything more than my dog, Jann. I met Jann when she was a puppy when I was 11-12 years old. She became my best friend and my reason to keep striving for a new day. Some of you might think, “didn’t you have friends from school?” To be quite frank. I changed schools 3 times in between grade 4-5. So I was always the new kid.

I would sit there and talk to Jann for hours after the times my mother would beat my ass. She just listened, looked at me and licked me almost like. “Dude it’s fine just let it out I’m here for you as long as you need me”. Til this day I remember the times I’d be crying in the basement on the couch and Jann would come running just to spend her time right beside me. She would not leave unless someone called for her or I left first. She’d always come back if someone called her away. Jann was truly my first burst of light in my life.

Then came a day where I had to let go of her due to my mother leaving the family and we couldn’t financially support her. We drove her to her new home spent some time there I had no idea what separation felt like. Then boom. 9pm. “Okay time to go boys” said my dad. I thought I was ready. Ready to let go of my best friend. I’m ready. The moment I was about to leave the front door, Jann was already at the door wagging her tail ready to go home. Little did she know this is gonna be her new home. The moment it clicked to me the fact that she was excited to go home and sleep just to see me the next day. Absolutely and utterly destroyed me. I couldn’t breathe, tears completely flooded my eyes, I was choking on my tongue, shaking, dizzy, threw up in my mouth and swallowed it, i thought I was gonna implode and my eyes rolling to the back of my head. All I could even think about is trying to breathe. Once I caught a breath and activated my windshield wipers just to see her fur all over the back seat of the car.

Darkness. That’s the one thing that I kept relating to in my life after that. We moved 3 times from grade 8 – 10. We were in government housing for a bit. I went to a different highschool than my graduating class. Hell of highschool for a broken preteen came into action full fledged. I had no idea what was happening. Who I was about to meet and what was about to happen. I didn’t care. I resented everything from my dad, brother, step mom, new house and new school. I tried so hard to convince my dad to transfer me to Markville Secondary School. He said no. I even said my grades would go up. Yeah, I went there.

More darkness. Every social group I tried to be a part of either 1. Didn’t accept me. 2. I didn’t accept them. My teachers teach me one thing while my dad teaches me something else. When I try to apply what I learned from either it almost felt like it never fits in. I felt like I never fit in anywhere. I remember so clearly trying to go to sleep on a Monday night nice and early cause I had badminton practice in the morning. I broke and started crying while whisper shouting, “I WANNA DIE I WANNA DIE I WANNA DIE” then fades into a devastating sob. I cried and cried and cried for 2 hours. At around 3 am I was hiccuping after crying with little bursts still coming through. 5am rolled around and I said to myself. If at 18 years old I still feel like this I’m gonna do it.

Grade 10.5 – 12 (2010-2012) I started skateboarding with a couple people I actually considered my friend, Samuel and Jason. New light. Here was when I fell in love with something more than myself. Skateboarding. Everytime I learned a new trick Sam would be so hyped and wanted to learn it too or vice versa. Jason would try and when he finally started to get the tricks we been trying I felt so happy and excited. After a couple months we parted ways and I stuck with it. I went to the skatepark behind Markville mall once a week and met a couple people there. The more I went the closer we got and ultimately forming our skate crew. Every single Thursday Friday after school was the days I looked most forward for. When it rained out I got so bummed I didn’t know what to do. So I guess you can say that I found a home. A home that we all just came to week after week. Quick shoutouts to Caleb, Ablah, Vincent, Dean, Josh, Jason, Dainel and a couple other key people who have since blocked or removed me. I’ll get to that in a bit. (I originally posted this on Facebook)

I skipped school to skate. Day after day I’d skip. I failed every course and some teachers would pass me cause I begged them to. I didn’t feel like anywhere was home but the skatepark. Everytime I landed a new trick all the homies would be hyped. Everytime I showed up they skate over to greet me. If that’s not the definition of home I don’t know what is. I never wanted to leave but of course everyone has to “go home”.

Time skip. 2013 Feb I get kicked out from home cause I literally sat around and did nothing. Dad got fed up with me always eating all the food and fighting with him every single time we see each other. I wouldn’t even look him in the eye.

Time skip. 2014 April I went homeless. Got fired from 3 jobs.

2014 November “officially” met a girl. Also while starting 2 new jobs. (Roots & Ten Ren’s)

I’ve seen her around at church and from the numerous times I’d walk around the mall I’d see her working. Low-key thought she was the most beautiful being on this planet.

Burst of light. We dated 2.5 years (2014-2017).

So why is this significant enough that I am willingly risking her reading this post on my news feed?

Here’s the catch. Now looking back into my life being 23 turning 24 in November. I realize that my whole life has been in darkness and I would say less than 10% of my 24 years has been me resenting something or someone. I discovered my love for something greater than myself which is skateboarding. I’ve always dreamed about having a girlfriend up until that day when it happened. Picture yourself in a pitch black room for 20 years with splurges of light piercing through from time to time. Then at the darkest moment in your solitude. Light fills your closed eyes seeing pink as you try to open your eyes you can barely see. Everything is over exposed. You struggle to see what was happening and when you finally realized what has happened. You lose yourself and your breath and everything along with it. You think, I lived 20 years in darkness for this one moment. I need to enjoy it for as long as this lasts cause it’s not gonna last forever…

Boom. My downfall. “Cause it’s not gonna last forever”. I went into that relationship with a self-fulfilled mindset of that it’s not gonna last forever. I was so preconceived from my history that nothing good lasts that I just enjoy the good rather than reciprocate and try hard to multiply the good. What happened? I became content with everything. I got my sense of home through her. I got my support through her. Experienced sex for the first time with her. I used to tell people I was so good and so experienced with sex yet I was watching porn every day with my dick in my hand. If my dick wasn’t numb I’d be beating it. LMAO

Yeah so I ended up not doing anything with my life cause this is literally the happiest time of my life I guess. I literally didn’t feel the need to want more or need more. To know she exists by my side every day was good enough of a reason for me to settle with whatever I had.

Inevitably, she left. (2017)

Put me in a fuckin swirl. That feeling of solitude slammed me shut. I heard the chains clash against the outer shell of this solitary confinement box or whatever u wanna call it. Heard the padlock snap shut and key tossed away faintly hearing it clank against the floor. Lashed out at my friends (hence a bunch of them I consider brother’s unfriended/blocked me) I became toxic, a cancer cell of a person. I quit my job after 2 weeks cause I was mentally distraught. Knowing full well I’m going homeless in less than a month without the job. I reached out to my best friend Oscar. (October-December 2017) Told him what was happening and what I’ve decided to do. He, having the heart he does helped me out a second time during homelessness and housed my piece of shit ass. First time he grew a full fledged hate for me but he still took it on. Fucking talk about love.

Light. I hear footsteps. Someone’s coming, a violent wrangle of the chains and POP. The sound of the chains hitting the floor followed by bright light. I look up and it’s my best friend. What the fuck. I was ready to die alone. Here he comes and snips open that padlock and says, “this isn’t where you belong. Come out when you’re ready.”

2018 June 28 (Today)

I’ve since started school for video production and design. People who follow me on Instagram or read my long form posts will know. I’ve been in my own head trying to find rhymes and reasons for why I am who I am today. I’m trying to understand why or how I get frustrated/upset/jealous/envious/lustful/depressive. I cut a majority of my connections in terms of friends and family. I moved away from Markham which helped me get my head on straight.

I saw my dad on Father’s day. He said one thing I’ll never forget for the rest of my life.

“You look happy. Been a long time since I’ve seen you this happy. Your face just resonates that you’re happy” (pretty sure he was referring to when we used to play hide and seek as toddlers)

I told him, “Really? Wow I hope so! I’m so damn excited for the next year. If what I envisioned for my next year rolls out like how this year is going for me. I’m gonna have another amazing year”

So yeah. I now know that the basic human need for a home or acceptance is the single thing that pushes them to greatness. I will be the best person I can possibly be to hopefully influence just one other person to really believe and influence another. I’ve discovered what kind of legacy I wanna leave behind. Let’s carry it out.

Being Asian, I hated RAP/HIP-HOP for 20 years

Rap/hip-hop in Cantonese (嘻哈) it’s actually pronounced “HEE-HA”. There is no real term for hip-hop in Chinese so characters that sound like the English words “hip-hop” is used. In Chinese, “he-ha” a.k.a. Hip-Hop is made up from the term “嘻嘻嘻” or “哈哈哈” is known in English aa “hehehe” or “hahaha”. The expression of laughter. Yeah, I was blown away at how similar human-kind really is through something so trivial. Isn’t it crazy how the oldest language in the world found carved into turtle shells thousands of years ago ends up using the same format to display laughter? Here’s a little bit of research I did to show you how long ago the Chinese language was first documented compared to English.

The Chinese language is the oldest written language in the world with at least six thousand years of history. Chinese character inscriptions have been found in turtle shells dating back to the Shang dynasty (1766-1123 BC)1

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Old English is the name given to the earliest recorded stage of the English language, up to approximately 1150AD (when the Middle English period is generally taken to have begun).2

Documentation of Chinese is about 2000 years older than any recorded English yet the Chinese culture has been idolizing English speaking rappers since he-ha became mainstream. The English language, a non-tonal language, which often means it requires less lip/tongue movement allowing quicker and more deliberate oral delivery of words. As to Chinese, it really depends how you use your tongue or lips to deliver what you want to say. Sometimes, if you are lazy even with just one word it could mean something entirely different.

Now let’s get into why I started to not only enjoy but love rap/hip-hop for the past three years. It really started when I watched my friend who’s an aspiring producer create a beat from absolutely nothing. Watching him be mesmerized by his own beat making I was also feeling the vibes. He was looking for a sound and this wonky spring like noise came up. He reacted to it, “Ooo this sounds fun”. Me, being the absolute novice couldn’t see how that fit into what he was doing. After adding some effects and equalizing the sound, he put it into his beat where it would drop into the kick layered with an 808 (Click here for a fun short video just for reference). He then played the 8 bars together and I was blown away how that made me wanna nod my head and smile. This pushed me to research beat making especially that I was a huge EDM head at the time along with a wannabe beatboxer I couldn’t help myself. Soon I found myself listening to songs of the all-time best such as the hometown hero, Drake, Eminem and Migos just to name a few. At first, it was for the beats at how it was all put together so masterfully. I started to notice the little intricate sounds each producer likes to use such as Metroboomin, DJ Khaled, Pharrell Williams and Kanye. As I was listening to these beats and songs these producers/artists have blessed upon this earth I realized something. The voice of the artists is a percussion of its own. With every word emphasis, punchline, pause, breath inhale, ad lib and syllable “spat” into the mic. I was mesmerized and hooked. How these artists come up with the lyrics to a beat complimenting the sounds and coming up with a melody to harmonize with the instrumental completely blew my fuckin mind. I’m not a huge fan of the old-school hip-hop and I’m sorry, I’m learning to love it but it’s hard. It’s like telling me to go watch Scarface or Godfather. YEAH RIGHT. Foreal though, I am learning to love some of the old-school stuff slowly. Right now, I am learning and aspiring to write lyrics over a beat, I gotta look at why the greats were known as the greats. Try out their style to find my own.

One last thought, as some of you might have noticed the banner of my blog is a picture of a skateboarder doing a trick called the “Benihana”. That skateboarder is me! I haven’t been able to skate through the winter along with a recovering ankle injury so writing lyrics have been helping me cope and in a way super therapeutic. I am able to express myself fully in any way I wish which is incredible. I can sing it all sad or rhyme it all hype. I discovered that I still hate tasteless rap purely about “fuckin hoes and getting drug money”. I look up to Post Malone a lot because he just does what he does for what he likes to do. I believe that’s where real happiness lies. Welp, that’s all I got for you today!

You might say to me, “Have a great day!”

I will say to you, “Have a better one.”

Later!

Notes:

  1. Lin, Kathy. “Chinese Language.” Chinese Language – EthnoMed, Ethnomed.org, ethnomed.org/culture/chinese/chinese-language-profile
  2. Durkin, Philip. “Old English-an overview.” Oxford English Dictionary, public.oed.com/aspects-of-english/english-in-time/old-english-an-overview/

Why drinking after a “long day” is mentally UNHEALTHY

The alarm goes off 07:00AM but you get up at 07:13. You rush that shower or skip the mascara, those thirteen minutes were just that valuable. Get ready to leave the door by 08:00 to get to work by 09. You feel that right? You already feel this kind of urgency for this particular day that I’m describing. Oh yeah, you also forgot to put on cologne/perfume for the day. Workday begins… Actually, it feels more like it is continuing from yesterday. The only difference is that this time, without a proper shower, cologne or mascara. Most often or not, when this happens I tend to be a little more on edge. These are the type of introverted days where I want to be left alone.

Let’s talk about that.

There are a few reasons I personally would want to be left alone:

  1. Subconsciously, the morning did not go the way I wanted it to
  2. I did not rest well since I couldn’t get up right at 07:00. (Waking up is a mental battle, sleep is a way of numbing/escape) *more on this for my next post*
  3. I probably had a cup of coffee so if I was anxious for the day, it has just been heightened exponentially thanks to caffeine (https://bebrainfit.com/caffeine-anxiety/)
  4. I need to gather a few things: myself, my thoughts and to recenter my energy. I can’t have someone or thing distract me and potentially push me over the edge

More factors could play a role if you’re exposed to relationships at home, at work or a simple encounter of a bad commute. You get the picture.

Fast forward the day. Nothing particularly good or bad happened at work. One of those non-memorable days for the most part. Let’s shine some light on this “non-memorable day” and give it a voice.

To me, I feel like these types of days are in a sense, wasted. Especially if it happens often. Let me explain. You weren’t necessarily doing anything to push your life forward. Just as every scene in a decent movie should be pushing the plot forward. Every chapter of a book pushes the narrative towards the conclusion. Unraveling all the intricacies, puzzles, ideas, displaying the underlying truths or to grow and achieve something that propels the character(s) (a.k.a. you) into the next level.

Okay, okay I know you’re itching right about now but hold on. There’s a lot of information to take into account for the question, “Why shouldn’t we drink after a long day.” Let me first explain the difference between selfish vs recreational substance use.

Selfish substance use is when you drink, smoke or consume any substance due to emotion to negate or to feel a different emotion temporarily. Yes, this is a very normal practice and seems harmless. Let’s see if you can agree with me here. If you drink while feeling types of stress, anxiety, grumpiness or maybe you’re in the mindset to be able to utter out the infamous words, “I’m tired”. You’re conditioning yourself to be consuming substances in response to an emotional feeling. This only delays the inevitable mental quiet time you require to figure anything out. Whether to address and learn through what you experienced in the past (i.e. that day). Ultimately to understand what your preferences are for problem solving moving forward. This also ties in with everything else in your life where you would act more so “responsive” (irrationally) and less so “intuitive” (rationally).

So what does recreational substance use mean? Think of the word recreational. Often before engaging in recreational activities, you have researched the subject or substance(s) required for the experience you’re about to endure. This means it is premeditated and you’re doing it for yourself. You’re consciously ready to be indulged into an experience whether good or bad. By yourself, with friends, family or whomever. You’re ready to just let loose and be truly relaxed. Truth be told, I used to trick myself all the time. I told myself that I was doing it recreationally which was to justify smoking a bowl or have a few beers after a long day.

The point here is: be real to yourself and help yourself. You are living your own life, so take control over every aspect. Just like how we can manipulate our fingers to pick things up we need to be able to manipulate our minds to think certain ways. This is 100% achievable by just being aware. We always try to help others but we have to remember: before our heart beats for somebody else our heart beats first and foremost for ourselves. Take care of your heart so you can take care of someone else’s!

Thanks for reading this, it’s been on my heart for a while now after watching my friends smoke or drink after a rough day got me thinking. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and until next time. Love love love!

The bad and the worse

It’s been a while huh. I haven’t written much lately and there’s no true rhyme or reason towards that. Lately, ideas in my head haven’t been where it usually is. Not one thought or idea have come up in which that I believed in enough to jot it down on the blog. There have been a lot of things happening in my life mentally. I worked a seasonal full-time job selling ornaments along with selling Nespresso machines on the weekends. So today, I want to talk about one huge topic that’s been reoccurring in my head. So as you guys all know the saying goes, “Confront your inner demons”. Let’s take a step back before we do the whole confronting part. Before your heart beats for another, it’s first and foremost beating for you. Are you able to see what’s in front of you protecting your heart? Is it your flesh and skin? Is it your mother and father before that flesh and skin? Best friend? Sometimes we’ll never truly know what someone or something is doing to show that they love us. That’s okay. So before you confront your inner demons you need to change that mindset. You obviously don’t like fighting or battling anything just like everyone else in the world. No one truly enjoys a fight or a battle. So why are you confronting and battling your demons? Try and look at your demons like an emotional younger sibling. That has a lot to learn in this vast universe. Let your sadness, anger, jealousy come out but acknowledge it. Embrace the fact you have those feelings. Try your best to understand that the reason you get those emotions to that level is because you care for something to that level. If you didn’t care then you wouldn’t get those feelings. The worst thing you can do is numb it via sleeping, substances, distractions cause you’re only prolonging the anxiety or depressive state that you’re in. Embrace it and understand that nothing else can hurt as much as this moment right now. If there was something that hurt more, well then you’re already on the right track. Keep at it, stay weak and remember who’s protecting your heart. If it’s yourself, invest in yourself 110% you can never run from who you are. So get to know yourself quicker so then you can double down on others that you love more efficiently and effectively.

 

Cheers,

Jacky

 

P.S. Happy New Year my bbs.

How a single app made me fall in love again

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Turquoise header, pastel orange profile icon with my name written in it’s full legal form, followed below by another turquoise sub-header with the words written:

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Followed by:

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The visual sight of these words on this app is making my pupils dilate, breaths shorten, heart racing, stuffed with butterflies and palms sweating. No.. no “Mom’s spaghetti” just yet, even though the feeling was overwhelming. Do these feelings sound familiar to you at all? Yeah, I’m recognizing that all these feelings I’ve once felt before in my life. This crazy embodiment of infatuation for a very ambitious “want” for my future. Respectively, this feeling may be the case for many of you, this feeling occurs most often when you meet that special somebody in which you can see no faults. Something or someone who you believe can love forever. In my case, this time it is something rather than someone. This story of that “someone”, I will save for next time.

I want you to take a look at this screenshot:

Days that I will never get back

Notice anything? These numbers in this screenshot represent something anyone can recognize. The first visual I tried to elicit in the beginning of this blog post, I had encountered an enormous gut-wrenching feeling of serotonin coursing through my veins to the point that I felt anxious. Excited, but anxious. You have probably already guessed what the numbers might represent. You are probably very precarious for the first number. The number, “5”.

This number five equates to years I value as the most important of my life.
This number five represents me in its entirety
This number five demonstrates the things I can achieve in my life
This number five helps me recognize all my inefficiencies
This number five helps me keep moving when future failures occur

 

You’ve probably guessed it by now, and if you haven’t yet. Not only does this number five represent a number of years I have been through but also THE number of years I have felt like I’ve wasted. That same old feeling of “regret” partnered with the big old SIGH. This is often known as Anxiety. The feeling that is often undertaken by your own denial. That exact feeling you had going into every test or quiz you weren’t ready for. That DEEP breath you can’t seem to suppress due to a “moment of stress” a.k.a. Anxiety. Sometimes it happens with almost no context. It just overwhelms you and takes you for a spin with what it feels like a black hole inside of your body. With every breath you take, being tenser each time. The important take away that I got from having deep-rooted Anxiety is to really acknowledge the fact that it’s present, not past or future, but present. When I’m ready for it, I feel like I am more prepared to accept it as it happens and am able to re-zone myself. Just like when an experienced soccer player would be able to predict the next move. To be able to transcribe that ability into your own mind so you can only benefit from it.

Here’s another metaphor cause I’m in love with metaphors:

Someone who’s never done a backflip or frontflip will never know how until they have experienced through trial and error. To be able to confidently jump knowing what will happen next knowing there is a risk. The reward? Well, pretty evidently landing that back or front flip is the most satisfying feeling (As seen on YouTube). So what is your mental frontflip that you’re afraid of? It’s okay to wipe out and fall flat-out. The most effective way to learn it is to try it for yourself. Some people find it easier than others. For me, it took five years to really figure out that I’m in a pretty shitty situation in my life. For you, it may take longer or shorter. Don’t compare yourself to me or anyone else. This is your frontflip to learn. I used frontflip because I’m trying to plant a subconscious idea in your head for forward thinking. See what I did there? 😉

**By no means is this the exact same for everyone. I am trying to articulate how I feel and hopefully help some of you out there discover or raise a few questions for yourself to see if this is true for you.

Today was an intense emotional ride for myself in particular. The moment I saw the hours I spent in the past 5 years I realized how much time I could have used for my future. Instead, I’ve collectively spent AT LEAST 10% of those hours in video games. Yeah.. 43,800 hours and I spend a nice minimum of 4380 hours in video games. If I spent even a quarter of that time (1095 hours) in trying to manage my life better. I could have been in a better place. To wrap things up here’s a quote from Drake,

“Better late than never but never late is better”

Yes, it is indeed cliché, but don’t block yourself from these clichés as they may be the most important lessons of life to learn from. They have become notoriously cliché for a reason.

Unfortunately, we have come to a conclusion and bringing this blog post to a close. I will end it with explaining why I feel like I’ve fallen in love again. I feel like there’s hope, I actually applied to Video Design and Production as the last choice. Little did I know when I got accepted into it I felt like it should have been my first and only choice. Weird right. I am literally shaking with anticipation and excitement for what this next year has to bring, just like that moment when that special someone says yes to you. Just like that moment when that special someone asks you out. No words can explain it, just sheer joy. The next step is to discover what it’s all about and see if you want to stay in it for life. I never thought life could be like this but right now, it’s looking bright! They say that there’s a silver lining on every cloud. Man did this past cloud feel like it was longest and darkest one ever. I’m so happy I can see the horizon clearing up for a brighter tomorrow.

Anywho, I won’t keep you. Too-da-loo! I hope to hear from you guys to see what questions you might have for me. I hope you guys have an amazing day and subscribe to my blog if you haven’t already! I promise it’ll be worth your while. At least I’ll try my very hardest haha.

I got lucky to be Irrelevant in high school

If we played with Fisherprice toys in our childhood we most likely have been to the evilest place on the planet, high school. This vile place for many is often caused by the social hierarchy involved. Personally, within this social ladder, I consider myself as the floater. The one who goes around to every group trying to fit in and be a part of something. Tried that for about two years and discovered that I can never commit to one group. Mainly due to the people within it which I can not bare or vice versa. I became aware that I disliked being surrounded by people who act differently when I’m alone with them versus while in the group.

I gradually became a solo act, started by skateboarding with a couple other people. Which they over time, fell out of it but I kept pushing along. I quickly discovered that I was beginning to learn the words, extroverted and introverted so I googled it. According to my research, I felt like I was extroverted at the same time introverted, I discovered that I resonate with being ambiverted.

Of course, I did not know how to interpret this at 16 years old. Being a guy, on average I have not been in the social realm for as long as girls have. I mean, during recess in grade school, I played with worms and sports while girls messed with each other’s minds and emotions. My thoughts were always very short termed and temporary. I became angry at the world for not accepting me. Fast forward six years, today along with the main point of this post is this.

Every single Facebook status I make, every tweet, every Instagram post has a new perspective that caught my attention. The people who bothered to click “Like” MEANT to click “Like”. I do not get any “pity” likes just because people want to impress me. Of course, it is daunting at times, but to know that the friends who were always trying to impress others get quantity likes due to others wanting to “maintain” a good connection. I don’t have to second guess my audience and waste my time asking myself if people ACTUALLY like my content. I can push out what I love and not even think twice. This is all thanks to my irrelevance in high school to be able to fear less.

To wrap this up, if I were to give myself advice from when I was going into high school it would be this:

Start skateboarding now so you become independent sooner due to the drive when you fill your head full of passion vs lack of passion. Make your mistakes now and make them grande. It’ll hurt less when you don’t understand it at the same time it’ll help you have major key epiphanies as you grow up. Succeeding 7/14 is better than 2/2. You succeeded 5 more times than 2/2. You also get feedback in those 7 times you’ve failed either from your own understanding or from others. As for the 2/2, when you fail you will feel hopeless since you are inexperienced in failing. Notice how I’m not swearing? Yeah, that is because when you do. It’ll be that much more fucking impactful, Jacky.

 

I want to take this time to thank you all for reading this post! It means a lot you guys consumed this, to begin with. Feel free to click around to view more of my brain’s ponderous moments. If you believe it is worth it, throw me a “Like” or a comment so I know you enjoy what I’m putting out!

Nicety brought despair in my life

During my childhood, I was always taught to “treat others how you would want to be treated”. Logically, this idea sounds amazing and a fantastic way to connect with each and every person. Of course, on the other hand, we have our delinquents, who do not abide by those words and commit sinister actions towards another. The time spent trying to treat others the way we would like to be treated becomes a part of us. The ones who truly believe in it and want nothing else but for someone else to be okay with them. I wanted to be known as a good person, nice, to stay out of trouble and to not draw negative attention to myself. I believe many people can resonate with me on this one. I have become the type of person to give and never expect anything back. The kind of mentality which is often known, “as long as you are happy I will be happy”.

So I have never thought about this before today. This idea of living life as a compensator in hopes everyone could have a better day. This idea of being so consumed into enabling others to feel a positive emotion even if it is not something in my very own interest to invest in. Sometimes even for people, I do not necessarily feel satisfying going out of my way for. I have recently learned about The Pareto principle:

The Pareto principle
(also known as the 80/20 rule, the law of the vital few, or the principle of factor sparsity) states that, for many events, roughly 80% of the effects come from 20% of the causes.

As this principle by Joseph M. Juran suggests, about 20% of the people in my life is 80% of your memorable experiences when I hang out with them. Whether that be the best moment of your life or the worst. So when I reflected back onto my significant experiences in my life, it is mostly true. The times I am hanging out with a big group of people there usually are that significant few who stand out and set the tone for the entire event.

So why did it bring despair into my life? After pondering for a long time, I’d like to believe it is because I disregarded myself so much to the point where I monotonically agree to obligations without first evaluating my own value. I just believe that if I am able to help then I will help. I have learned since to make sure I know what I am getting myself into before committing to something I may not enjoy. I began to emotionally bid when times were tough in my life. Not understanding why someone would be so willing to accept my help but when I ask for help no one is there to care. Filled with so much anger and negativity but nowhere to vent my over pressurized tank. I have since learned to cut out the people in my life who were not contributing to my well-being. I found myself to be obligated to help others when I am the one who needs help. Then it cycles back around thinking, “it will be different this time”. It will never turn around because I am too focused on others rather than myself. My friends will not even know where to start to help me since I am not focused on helping myself. “It starts with number one” as one of my friends said, “number one being you.”