Tag Archives: satisfaction

The Schizophrenic in Me

Schiz, schizo, crazy or even psychopath are ways to describe someone diagnosed with Schizophrenia.

“Schizophrenia is a chronic and severe mental disorder that affects how a person thinks, feels, and behaves. People with schizophrenia may seem like they have lost touch with reality. Although schizophrenia is not as common as other mental disorders, the symptoms can be very disabling.”

Now, in this article I won’t be using the respective mental illness to it’s literal meaning and diagnosis. This is something I pondered upon time and time again, throughout my childhood and into my adolescence. Could I be borderline schiz? Sure, I might not be medically diagnosed with schizophrenia but sometimes my conscience is so vivid that it feels almost out of body. It drives my heart insane at times thinking of something that’s not really there and basically selling myself the idea of something absolutely outrageous. I would have conversations with myself containing more exchanges than with a friend in some occasions. I know some of you may say this is a pathological behaviour and I 100% agree. This leads me to believe if I had a friend like myself we would be able to constantly bounce ideas off each other. Which is what led me to this thought of the schizophrenic in me.

You see, a lot of times I can’t remember some of the thoughts or conversations I had with myself mainly because I haven’t spoken it aloud. It usually is all in my head therefore it isn’t tangible. Which is why I started blogging. To document down all these absurd thoughts I have that my gut feeling is simply, “amazing”. So that I should jot it down for my future self to look back upon.

I always think back about seven years to see where my mind took me in my life. Needless to say, I’m about to embark on the biggest years going into my mid twenties. Unlike when I was sixteen when I had no idea what was about to unfold in the next seven years. Today, I have an idea of where I wanna be in seven years. This has to be a good thing right? Even if it isn’t, it would be absolutely fascinating to look back in seven years at this very blog post and make another blog post telling the today me that I was able to do some things and how the things I’m hoping for right now either happened or didn’t happen.

I’m totally looking forward in attempting to achieve my goals so to be able to say, “Hey look you did it.” or “Hey look you didn’t get anywhere! Now wake up!” I don’t know.

Hey future self,

as of today you’re hoping for a specific career and lover. Let’s see if it happens. All to it bud. Love you.

2018 self

P.S. Today is your first day of College

I got lucky to be Irrelevant in high school

If we played with Fisherprice toys in our childhood we most likely have been to the evilest place on the planet, high school. This vile place for many is often caused by the social hierarchy involved. Personally, within this social ladder, I consider myself as the floater. The one who goes around to every group trying to fit in and be a part of something. Tried that for about two years and discovered that I can never commit to one group. Mainly due to the people within it which I can not bare or vice versa. I became aware that I disliked being surrounded by people who act differently when I’m alone with them versus while in the group.

I gradually became a solo act, started by skateboarding with a couple other people. Which they over time, fell out of it but I kept pushing along. I quickly discovered that I was beginning to learn the words, extroverted and introverted so I googled it. According to my research, I felt like I was extroverted at the same time introverted, I discovered that I resonate with being ambiverted.

Of course, I did not know how to interpret this at 16 years old. Being a guy, on average I have not been in the social realm for as long as girls have. I mean, during recess in grade school, I played with worms and sports while girls messed with each other’s minds and emotions. My thoughts were always very short termed and temporary. I became angry at the world for not accepting me. Fast forward six years, today along with the main point of this post is this.

Every single Facebook status I make, every tweet, every Instagram post has a new perspective that caught my attention. The people who bothered to click “Like” MEANT to click “Like”. I do not get any “pity” likes just because people want to impress me. Of course, it is daunting at times, but to know that the friends who were always trying to impress others get quantity likes due to others wanting to “maintain” a good connection. I don’t have to second guess my audience and waste my time asking myself if people ACTUALLY like my content. I can push out what I love and not even think twice. This is all thanks to my irrelevance in high school to be able to fear less.

To wrap this up, if I were to give myself advice from when I was going into high school it would be this:

Start skateboarding now so you become independent sooner due to the drive when you fill your head full of passion vs lack of passion. Make your mistakes now and make them grande. It’ll hurt less when you don’t understand it at the same time it’ll help you have major key epiphanies as you grow up. Succeeding 7/14 is better than 2/2. You succeeded 5 more times than 2/2. You also get feedback in those 7 times you’ve failed either from your own understanding or from others. As for the 2/2, when you fail you will feel hopeless since you are inexperienced in failing. Notice how I’m not swearing? Yeah, that is because when you do. It’ll be that much more fucking impactful, Jacky.


I want to take this time to thank you all for reading this post! It means a lot you guys consumed this, to begin with. Feel free to click around to view more of my brain’s ponderous moments. If you believe it is worth it, throw me a “Like” or a comment so I know you enjoy what I’m putting out!

Nicety brought despair in my life

During my childhood, I was always taught to “treat others how you would want to be treated”. Logically, this idea sounds amazing and a fantastic way to connect with each and every person. Of course, on the other hand, we have our delinquents, who do not abide by those words and commit sinister actions towards another. The time spent trying to treat others the way we would like to be treated becomes a part of us. The ones who truly believe in it and want nothing else but for someone else to be okay with them. I wanted to be known as a good person, nice, to stay out of trouble and to not draw negative attention to myself. I believe many people can resonate with me on this one. I have become the type of person to give and never expect anything back. The kind of mentality which is often known, “as long as you are happy I will be happy”.

So I have never thought about this before today. This idea of living life as a compensator in hopes everyone could have a better day. This idea of being so consumed into enabling others to feel a positive emotion even if it is not something in my very own interest to invest in. Sometimes even for people, I do not necessarily feel satisfying going out of my way for. I have recently learned about The Pareto principle:

The Pareto principle
(also known as the 80/20 rule, the law of the vital few, or the principle of factor sparsity) states that, for many events, roughly 80% of the effects come from 20% of the causes.

As this principle by Joseph M. Juran suggests, about 20% of the people in my life is 80% of your memorable experiences when I hang out with them. Whether that be the best moment of your life or the worst. So when I reflected back onto my significant experiences in my life, it is mostly true. The times I am hanging out with a big group of people there usually are that significant few who stand out and set the tone for the entire event.

So why did it bring despair into my life? After pondering for a long time, I’d like to believe it is because I disregarded myself so much to the point where I monotonically agree to obligations without first evaluating my own value. I just believe that if I am able to help then I will help. I have learned since to make sure I know what I am getting myself into before committing to something I may not enjoy. I began to emotionally bid when times were tough in my life. Not understanding why someone would be so willing to accept my help but when I ask for help no one is there to care. Filled with so much anger and negativity but nowhere to vent my over pressurized tank. I have since learned to cut out the people in my life who were not contributing to my well-being. I found myself to be obligated to help others when I am the one who needs help. Then it cycles back around thinking, “it will be different this time”. It will never turn around because I am too focused on others rather than myself. My friends will not even know where to start to help me since I am not focused on helping myself. “It starts with number one” as one of my friends said, “number one being you.”


Why do we fear talking about the things that make us Vulnerable?

Many people talk about their start-up successes from dying to flying. Not enough people talk about their mental success from crying to trying. From what I’ve been through in my life during tragedies, I learned some valuable lessons. No one cares about me. They all have their own lives as complex and vivid as our own. The unofficial word for this I believe is Sonder. Click the word to watch a magical video story on it.

So here I am pondering every single day stuck with my brain churning emotions and thoughts. One question that is reoccurring in my mind is, “How can I get others to care?” One conclusion I have come up over the years is, if am able to connect with others and show value to them, then maybe they would care. To speak out my testimony, not for pity but to show my growth and possibly attempt to inspire a drive within them to WANT to TRY. Often times that is the underlying issue, where someone feels like it is not WORTH trying to begin with. I don’t care for your possessions or your assets. What I care is for your well-being.

Mind you, chasing happiness is no different than chasing money. They are both very earthly bound matters. Think about it. Only on this planet earth, you can feel the emotion of “happiness”. Also, the same place where you find money. So if chasing happiness or money is both toxic. What is something we should strive to achieve? I believe having sought after happiness after my parents’ divorce, I always inevitably feel a low no matter how happy I became. Thus, I don’t believe there is one true happiness. To be happy for the rest of my life is just not realistic. I’ve come to realize that I just have to be able to be there for someone even if it is myself. When the worse comes to worst or the good becomes great. So if I want to leave a legacy behind I have to put myself in a position where I can handle anything life throws at me. By being able to “handle it”, I mean to really be able to keep your own morals and judgment at the same humbled manner no matter how rich or poor you are, emotionally or financially.

I love people. I love what the world has to offer because it is a true test of what someone is able to do to become world class. But in the very end, a casket is a casket. Whether wood, metal or marble. Blood is blood whether A, B or O. You are on this earth. This earth is accepting. Just reach out and make something of it. The world won’t care if you don’t care. If you care about yourself and your own mental well-being. Make that known. Others will be right there to support you. STAY WEAK.

“STAY STRONG” the phrase that sets you up for failure

If you have ever been told these two words, “Stay Strong”. They are setting you up for failure. Through the years of trying to understand my own demise, I learned a few things. Every single time I was told to stay strong I did not know how to process that in my head. I have never believed I was ever “strong”. So the question becomes, how can I STAY strong if I’ve never even felt strong to begin with? This leads to another question I started asking myself, “How can I connect with people who feel worthless inside?” Personally, every single time I hear the phrase “Stay Strong” I almost immediately block it out and classify the other person as they have nothing better to contribute. No matter how much they might have meant it.

So I started practicing staying weak. I told people about all the struggles I am going through and how I am actively trying to get out of it. I tell people my plan and goals no matter how small it might have been. The one reoccurring pattern I found is people trust me a lot more. People are willing to open up about their own struggles to me as if we are in it together. I believe once we are able to accept the fact that we are weak and give a voice to our weakness. We can bind together as one strong unit and conquer anything that comes into our path. What is something you believe to be a great achievement? To make something of what you’re passionate about right? If you are passionate about defeating depression or anxiety, take down those walls and give a voice to it. Let yourself speak out and listen to what others have to say. The people who say things you dislike, move on from them. The people who tell you that you can’t tell them that they’re right. Because what you can’t is being associated with them. People who are weak stay together and fight together with no judgment. People who are weak bind together with a cause bigger than the human connection. This is what makes it Magical.

Let those people who are trying to restrict you say what they want. People who try to restrict you are the people who ARE restricted. Release yourself from these kinds of people and seek the people whom are self-seeking. Seek the people who care but do not rely on them. Rely on yourself. Give yourself the voice you so desperately need. If you feel like you’re going to turn all your friends away let that be. You will only attract people who will love you for you. These are the things I’ve tried in my past until today and I only make these posts because I have discovered something that is reoccurring positivity.

If you can take public transit then you can create content

Taking the bus every single day is no easy task. Many stresses come along with taking the bus. The amount of time required from planning to waiting. The wait time for each bus varies and could drastically change your arrival time if you miss a transfer due to a two-minute delay. So the idea here today is about taking the right bus at the right time to reach the destination in a given time-frame.

Opportunities in life are very similar. You ready yourself every single day standing at the bus stop you planned on standing at, to take that bus you planned on taking. If your destination has a time-frame to reach, you better get your plan together and make sure you make each bus transfer with little to no hiccups. When the bus has delays out of your control, trust your gut and have patience. If you have a destination in mind with little to no urgency, do your research and plan your route on which bus to take FIRST. Don’t worry about the last bus or the delays or the transfers. You haven’t even figured out step one. Do not overwhelm yourself with things that are not worth your energy and time at that very moment in the position you’re in. Sometimes, some bus stops have more than just one bus headed in the same direction. This is something you will not know unless you are looking for it.

Of course, there are the people like myself who will tell you to fail fail and fail because it will serve as your greatest lessons in life. If you plan your route to a destination in person. It only makes more sense to plan your life’s destination the same way. One bus stop at a time. The right bus will come and you’re ready to get there. If you get lost you may ask someone to reaffirm your route. Sometimes there might be construction or detours. All in all, you were ready for this trip and ready for the destination.

You’re a WHORE.

    If I could stutter in text, that is the one thing I did not do. You read it right the first time and probably still reading this cause you clicked through to here. Before you speak out, telling me how wrong I am calling others “Whores” let me explain. In our society especially being birthed in the infamous generation, Millennials. We are enslaved to many things in our established society, which we find hard to understand. Here is the definition of the word “Whore” in the context I will be using:

noun derogatory
noun: whore; plural noun: whores
     a prostitute.
     a promiscuous woman.
     debase oneself by doing something for unworthy motives, 
     typically to make money gain likes.
         "he had never whored after money likes"

    You ask yourself, in the concept of prostitution, media would usually suggest there is a manager known as pimps managing these prostitutes. So let us deconstruct the social concept at the surface level of prostitution. First, you have an idea on how you can attract a significant amount of attention by debasing yourself. Next, you find your clients who are willing to partake in the service you are offering. You report your status to your manager for them to give you your cut of the payout. Repeat. Sure, you’re thinking that we all know this so what was the point in me pointing this out? Well, I wanted to put us on the same page to the basic process of “whoring”. We all know at this day in age, context is everything. Famous YouTuber known as, “pewdiepie” has made this abundantly clear after being dropped by Disney for his “antisemitic” behaviour.

    Now that we all are on the same page, let us address the title I used for this blog post. Whether or not this applies to you, we all at the very least know someone this applies to. Social media giants have come up with a system which symbolizes a currency known as a “Like”. Someone who has more “Likes” is more LIKABLE than someone who has less “Likes” on a post. As straightforward as this may be, we find ourselves with trends such as, “Do it for the Vine”, “Do it for the Gram” and so on and so forth. This is where my mind turned to churn out the title of my post, “You’re a WHORE.” Yes with a period. I say that with no digression because I believe that many people do insane things truly strips and DEBASE the meaning of being a wholesome person. For example, people who claim to be “entrepreneurs” for modeling their bodies with no passion on Instagram. The exact promise they made to themselves that it is something they would never do when they were thirteen years old. The people who could not handle the work they have to put behind their ideas and come to a conclusion that this is an “easier way out”. That exact friend of yours that tossed a drink back into a McDonald’s drive-through window and yelled, “FOR THE VIEWS!”. You debase your own morals and beliefs you grew up on and probably will grow away from, just for temporary attention.

    So let us sit down and think about it, what can we do that makes us less of a whore but at the same time have the impact as, “Throwing a McDonald’s cup back into a drive-through window”? One thing that I’ve learned from whoring myself to doing things that I dislike for attention only grew negativity and the loss of creativity in my life. I didn’t have passion in what I was doing therefore, I was losing my vision. Now that I understand what I want to do in my life I have a grander vision than ever. Now it is about the deconstruction of my ultimate goal to set little goals for my each and every day to aim for. If I am able to achieve one thing a day, three hundred sixty-five days a year no matter how significant. It is still one thing achieved a day. That would be 365 things a year. Hell, if you feel slightly extra motivated one out of the days of the week you’d have yourself 417 things a year.